ICH BIN EIN HAMBURGER

"Try our succulent quarter-pounder, freshly made with a generous six ounces of prime ground beef from Black Angus cattle fed on the lush grasslands of North Dakota, seasoned with Tahitian rock salt and cracked black pepper from the slopes of Mount Popocatapetl, lovingly barbecued over a hickory-wood charcoal fire and laid on a bed of shredded iceberg lettuce and shavings of white salad onion fresh from our organic kitchen garden, layered with thin slices of juicy plum tomato flown in this morning from Italy, and lightly drizzled with homemade low-cholesterol mayonnaise made personally by our Chef , all of this encased in a warm sesame bun and served to you courteously by our charming staff specially imported from Guadalajara."  

It takes you 20 minutes to read the menu, and another 20 minutes to decide what you want.

And when you get your food, it's just a burger.

That's why Americans are all in therapy - they're all suffering from chronic disappointment.

The gourmet burger craze has finally hit Brussels in the past couple of years.  The Belgians have got over their abhorrence of American cuisine:  a burger is nothing more than a chargrilled steak américain, after all.   And they have the edge on the core ingredient, with prime Belgian "blanc-bleu-Belge" beef.   Ellis Gourmet Burger at Place Sainte Catherine was the first to announce itself as such (although Les Super Filles du Tram have been doing gourmet burgers for years) and now has seven establishments in Belgium and two in the Netherlands. They are experimenting with new burgers, such as the Bollywood Delight or the trio of mini burgers.   Cowfish and Cowfish Burger at Porte de Namur are the Brussels outlets of a Texan-Japanese chain fusing burgers and sushi which offers an original way of ordering. You choose your core ingredient - beef, fish, chicken or veggie - then the style - Classic, Belgian, Smoky, Forestier, Tuscan, Jap, or Texas - and the side dish - coleslaw or green salad.   By the way, did you know the word coleslaw came from the Dutch koolsla (cabbage salad)?    OK it's an eating-by-numbers experience but the burgers are handmade and perfectly cooked.  

After the demise of the excellent Pablo's on Rue de Namur, the American cuisine scene was absent for a couple of years.  But it soon bounced back.  

Hemgie's has been around for a couple of years now and its success expanded to two establishments in Brussels, at rue du Bailli and 12 rue des Dominicains.  It's all posh burgers, minimalist decor, hipster vibe.  They also lay claim to fusion food, and boast that their "prime Scottish beef" is supplied by someone called Alec Jarrett who they cheekily advertise as being in Scotland, although he is in fact in Bristol, is a meat processor not a farmer and his meat comes mostly from the West Country and Wales.  Nul points for forgetting that everything can be checked on the internet, guys.  The rue des Dominicains restaurant has been renamed BB's (Brussels Burgers) and the Hemgie's website declares it is a quite separate establishment but the website blurb is identical including the Alec Jarrett connection which tells us nothing about the quality of the meat. 

Manhattn's (sic) Burgers on avenue Louise has a range of American-inspired burgers - Gatsby, Rockefeller, Gotham, etc. and a few interesting twists - the Gotham features Reblochon cheese, for example, and you can order imported American lager, which is the comedy feature on the drinks menu.  In Belgium, guys?  Seriously?

 

Chez Rachel on rue du Marché au Charbon is run by a Belgian who grew up in Boston and therefore knows his stuff.  From the classic ’Chuck’, a 130 gram, 100 percent pure Belgian beef patty burger with sliced pickles and tomatoes, cheddar cheese, ketchup, mayonnaise and mustard, held together by an authentic soft burger bun topped with sesame seeds and served with nachos and green salad, to the quirky "Speedy Gonzalez" (with guacamole), although the term could not be applied to the service, which can be rather slow.  They also do lamb burgers.  Average price around 15 euros.

Rachelburger - plates are small, service a bit slow

Houtsiplou also does a good classic burger for around the same price (14,80 euros).

Cool Bun is another "concept burger" establishment with two outlets, at Place Stephanie and Schuman.   Key words CRAFTED, LOCALLY RAISED, ORGANIC, ARTISANAL and HANDMADE.    Good choice of burgers, including fish burger and veggie burger.  Alison at Cheeseweb reckons it's the perfect burger.

Mustn't forget the legendary Hard Rock Cafe, where the burgers are - apparently -  legendary.  Looking at this picture, the only way to eat it would be .... carefully.   This would need deconstructing before attempting to eat it.  Weekends are usually packed, but not every burger joint has got a gift shop.

Marcel Burger Bar at Rue Américaine 87 is a new kid on the block which might be worth checking out.  The French chef does a variant on regular Belgian fries made with sweet potato, which might work.  The Foodalist classes it as "quality junk food". 

Le Balmoral at Place Brugmann is perfect for Uccle yummy mummies to take their little Tarquins for weekend brunch, a perfect replica US diner in pastel colours - why they gave it the incongruous name Le Balmoral will remain an eternal mystery.   A 200g burger goes for between 13,20 and 15,80, served with mixed salad and potato wedges.

Ultimately, as far as I'm concerned, a burger is a burger is a burger.   I'm not against them, but it's just a cooked sandwich.  Constructing a burger is not CUISINE.  Most of your Irish pubs will offer a burger on the menu - proving that it doesn't require Heston Blumenthal to cook it.  De Valera's at Place Flagey offers prime Irish beef, lamb, chicken fish or veggie burgers at 10-12 euros.    The Funky Monkey and The Old Oak do decent burgers at similar prices, as do most of the Anglo-American bars in town such as Fatboy's, Michael Collins, The Wild Geese, Kitty O'Shea's.  And frankly, that's as much as I'm prepared to pay for what is essentially a minced meat sandwich.  

That said, tomorrow is, apparently, International Hamburger Day, so fill yer boots.

Update

B34 Steak and Burger House, Rue St Boniface 34, Ixelles
De Valera's
Delecta   2 rue Lannoy, 1050 Ixelles (off Flagey)  
Les Super Filles du Tram. 
Burger Republic, Chaussée de Vleurgat 7  (off Flagey)
The Black Sheep
Café Gudule (owned by Super Filles du Tram), rue du Gentilhomme 11-13 - weekdays only 12h-15h

King Kong, chaussée de Charleroi 227, St Gilles

Tram de Boitsfort  Place Payfa, Watermael-Boitsfort
Jack O’Shea Chophouse. rue Sainte Catherine 32
Lou Boire et Manger rue du Page 7-9, Ixelles (Chatelain)
Schievelavabo, chaussée de Wavre 344, Etterbeek (Place Jourdan)
Chicago (owned by Houtsiplou), rue de Flandre 45
L'Amour Fou chaussee de Wavre (opposite Ixelles town hall)

le Train, 1st floor, Sheraton Hotel, Place Rogier  12 euros single, 18-19 euros double burgers. Why fork out that kind of money to eat in what is basically a corridor, when you could just go downstairs to:

Brussels Grill   (XXL burger 14,20 euros)  5 Brussels restaurants at Grand'Place, Place Brouckère, Boulevard de la Botanique (underneath Sheraton hotel),  and Porte de Namur - or its sister establishment Boston Steakhouse (all burgers around 12-14 euros)  Place Rogier and Porte de Namur


Check out Frédéric Solvel's tour of Brussels burger bars and S Marks the Spots' burger joints